As I sit to write many emotions and memories are etched upon my heart and are coming in like waves as I type.
I recall this time 3 years ago. Boey had just gone through cancer treatments as a 6 years old. She was declared NED(No evidence of Disease)in January of 07 and she enjoyed the title of a conqueror for a few months. This was the week, however, that she developed an extreme pain in her spine and we brought her to the hospital just to check.
We were in no way prepared for the excruciating announcement that we were to receive. When the social worker and a favorite nurse as well as both of her doctors packed into the small room my heart sunk. When I heard the words, “its not good…the cancer is back” my heart broke.
When Boey was told that her victory was over and her cancer had returned her heart broke. She did not want to live. She threatened to “run her wheelchair down the stairs” to kill herself. She sreamed and yelled why?! Why?! why?! If I thought my heart was broken before now it was shattering in a million pieces.
Hours later I tried to reassure Boey that her feelings were completely understood. She was still a warrior and like David, after killing Goliath, and experiencing victory, Goliaths brother came to call and this famous warrior was scared. Rachel and I reassured Boey that she no longer had to be strong, that we knew her, we loved her and expected nothing from her. We knew she was strong before and this time we would be strong for her.
I saw my little girls life bleed out of her. I saw the pain from her heart stare through her eyes at me her Daddy. There wasn’t a damned thing I could do to nullify this pain. It was just like the startling feeling you get when the wind is knocked out of you, only in this case, you could not catch your breath and it did not go away. The sick painful feeling resided with us. It was dark. Boey didn’t speak to anyone and her expressions became lifeless. She was silent and she slept.
I could not sleep. I stayed up and I prayed for my baby. It was a few nights later as I was praying I recall the prompting of the Lord to pray and proclaim Isaiah 53:5 over her; “the chastisement that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” My girl was being tormented and I was trying to proclaim the concept I had learned about but desperately needed to be real in the life of my 7 and soon to be 8 year old girl.
The next morning Rachel and I were astounded when Boey hopped out of bed and started playing doctor with her Build-a-bear giraffe. She was giggling and reassuring him like she had done many times before. As we watched, tears filled our eyes. The change was dramatic.
We looked at the artwork that she had made. It was a picture of Jesus. He was winking at her and he was saying.”Boey you can do it”, “Wow she is a warrior”, and “I will take care of you.” From that moment on Boey was a faith-filled, happy life emanating-warrior and she amazed me every day. Even though she knew what she was up against she had joy all over her.
She was aquainted with the experience of overnight stays for chemo with the pain and the violent puking but now she was faced with 5 nights in a row. She had lost her pretty girl hair that she was so proud of and was facing the loss again. It was all starting over and it was much worse than before…at least 5 times worse. But we were soon to see that she was 50 times as strong.
I witnessed how her mothers and my love set her free. We deeply and lovingly supported her and had no expectations from her. It was the conduit which connected her to her Heavenly Fathers love that flowed from the inside of her. It flowed from deep inside her and it overflowed to her and it overflowed particularly to us, her family.
She blossomed into the most faith filled, confident and spunky person I have ever met. It was right before my eyes. God’s peace was flowing from her. Something very real and very good was happening.
We were released from the hospital on Friday and her birthday party was the next day. You would never know the beautiful smiling and happy little girl at her party had come from such a dark dark place. She knew what she was up against but she had confidence that her Jesus would take care of her and that confidence and joy was apparent.
I learned so much from her. I learned more about the Spirit of God from her than I ever learned in an academic bible college. I saw where true faith resides and where it is forged. I learned that it does not come from intellect; Boey would scarcely be able to read the words” chastisement that brought us peace”, but she lived it. She was in the middle of the biggest fight anyone ever has to go through; cancer. She knew exactly what that meant and what would be required. But she knew how to find her center, her spirit, her JESUS and to “BE STRONG.”
That example is what I am trying to emulate on this day; Boey’s Birthday. I hurt without my daughter. I miss her more than I can express. My intellect demands to know WHY?! . There is pain and fear.
But Boey showed me how to go to my Jesus. To listen for his words of how he is going to take care of me and my broken family in the middle of the pain and trial. She showed me how to authentically allow GODS spirit to flow into the dark areas of the soul even when outwardly such trauma was occuring. Joy and Peace is starting to flow from deep within once again. My daughter’s example has saved my life in many ways and today I celebrate the life that she lived and imparted to her family.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL. YOU AND WHAT YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME ARE THE BEST GIFTS ANYONE COULD EVER RECEIVE.