And What About GOD?
I picked up a copy of C.S.Lewis “A Grief Observed”. It would seem he understood a bit about grief. He did not marry until his 50s I think and his wife had bone cancer. They prayed for her when she had days to live and she was miraculously healed. She lived for a couple more years where they really enjoyed life. Then she died. This sounds familiar to me.
I used to love Lewis more when I first became a believer. He gave great explanations for difficult spiritual truths. Made me feel “smart” to be a Christian. At some point I stopped seeking the validation to be smart and from the fruit that Christianity gave me in my life I didn’t much care if I was “smart.” I started to seek to know God in a deeper and more intimate way. I love the otherworldly spiritual stuff as well as the prophetic stuff. But with the passing of my beautiful daughter my faith has been dealt a blow. Of course one response is to question everything. Did we do everything? Did we do something wrong? Where is GOD? Did our faith fail? Did GOD fail? I have been asking these questions. By asking I don’t really mean intellectually reasoning and figuring out– I already know the intellectual answers but I need something more. I need it in the core of my being, in my soul and in my spirit. My mind is not adequate to give me peace.
While travailing in this I read something of my old friend C.S. Lewis on the internet. Something struck a chord. It said that he questioned GOD after his wife died. The article said that it was not because his faith was week but it was because his faith was strong it allowed him to extremely question his GOD. That is what I hope to have enough security in GOD to be strong enough to do.
That has been a subject that I have thought of often these weeks. It is a lesson that GOD has impressed on my heart through another life experience with my beautiful daughter… During her last month with us in this world she had a broken hip. It hurt like hell only when she moved. So she was still. We needed to move her to wash her off and to change her bedding. I ever so gently cradled and supported her and lifted her from her comfortable bed. She moaned and started to slap my face and then started saying, “I hate you! I hate you!” When everything was done I gently put her down she relaxed and quieted and then repeated over and over again, “I love you. I love you. I love you”, until she fell into a deep sleep. Heartbreaking it was. However on the heals of this heartbreak I found a beautiful truth. I knew exactly what just happened. She loved me so much and knew my love for her so much that she was confident to express her pain in the only adequate way an 8 yr old girl could. “I HATE YOU!!” She never had spoke like that to me before. I knew this “hate” was not true. I also knew my daughter needed some sort of release for the intense pain of a hip fracture. She needed to say that. When the pain was over she reinforced the truth that we both knew… “I love you. I love you. I love you.” We both knew it.
Another spiritual truth taught to me in the context of me loving my hurting daughter. This was a deep truth imparted in intensely deep emotions. An intellectual theologian could not have more eloquently taught that truth in any deeper way than I understood at that moment. GOD is bigger than me. He understands my pain. He can take my best way of expressing that pain even if it is hate and blame.
I have no fear in questioning GOD. I don’t feel Hate…yet. I don’t think I will. But I do feel the intense pain of a fractured hip and I don’t think I like GOD much right now for lifting me up from my comfortable place. It is not as easy to see why this happened as why I needed to lift my daughter…maybe it never will. But I do know I love GOD…but in this intense pain often I can only hear my cries of agony. Sometimes I fear there will not be another side to this; that I wont really understand or see there was a valid reason for Boey to be taken from us. I am in the middle of that now. Not understanding GOD or his ways. But I do know I can yell at him and he will still love me and when the pain subsides a bit you will find me, without giving much explanation because I know GOD understands, quietly saying, I love you GOD, I love you…..
Thank you everyone who is supporting us, has supported us in the past and those that are grieving with us.
ROB- Boey’s Daddy forever
March 28th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
im sorry Jenessa but im glad you guy got a great house god bless you Jenessa
March 14th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
i haven’t written in a while, my heart is still with you though, it always has been since the day i “met” boey. i am running for the third year in a row in relay for life and my team is BOey’s believers. my whole school is invited plus my church, we have a HUGE team, and it is awesome to be honoring boey in such a special way
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm
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January 1st, 2009 at 11:26 pm
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August 16th, 2008 at 9:36 am
I have just watched ‘Extreme Makeover’ and saw your family with the wonderful Boey. I am so very sorry you have lost your precious little girl. She was a real beauty, both in and out.
I admire your faith in God and really appreciate you letting me and the world know about such a gorgeous child. Thank you.
My love to you and your family always.
February 5th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Rob you have a gift.
February 5th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
I just wanted to say i’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Your story on extreme homemakeover really touched us. It’s hard enough to see an older person suffering from cancer, but to see a young child like Boey is even harder. She was a very strong and loving girl. She will be missed by many. When I first read the news I started to cry. It’s hard to believe how things can go from good to bad in just a blink of an eye. Our prayers are with your family in this time of need. We will sure miss seeing new pictures of Boey’s smiling face. She really lit up a room. That was clear to see.
February 5th, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Mr. Rob & Family
We all write to you to comfort you and yours in this time of loss. I would like for you to look up ECC 7:1&2 and read it.
I was looking up Boey Byers on the net because I had seen where the Byers Family had been given a new home (Thank You God). And I saw where Ms. Boey had returned home to her Lord Father. I am truely sorry for this short time that the Byers Family had with their Loved One. I pray Brother Rob that the Lord takes away any discomfort you and your family feels. I lost my birth father Jan 5th 2002. I know now that he is with my Lord Father in Heaven, just as I know Ms. Boey is. Her time here on earth was brief but she did amazing things through her Lord God for her Lord God. She is in no doubt looking down praying and wanting better for her earthy family.
I saw the show and my heart went out for her and her family. Brother please don’t let satan take over with doubt and disbelief. There are reasons that we as Humans can not understand at this point why we lose loved ones, young or not. For 3 and half years I hated God but learned when I was saved just a year ago that he has plans and those will be met. Ms. Boey completed the work her Lord God wanted done.
In my profile I had left my phone number, as a brother in Christ Almighty, If you need to talk at any time this Christian Brother will listen. I may not have an answer and at times we don’t need answers just shoulders and ears. Have a good day. †††††
GOD BLESS YOU AND YOURS
Jim Scott (a child of Christ) Franklin, Tennessee
February 3rd, 2008 at 11:43 pm
First and foremost I want to thank you for allowing us to be fortunate enough to have been elightened by Boey’s strength and spirit. I just watched her on TV( for the 4th or 6th time on DVR and now on rerun) and struggled to keep a dry eye. My wife recently learned that she may be facing breast cancer and to be honest with you this is the first time I speak of it outside of our home. I am scared to death about the future but watching Boey on TV brings comfort knowing that my wife can use Boeys strength and positive spirit to fight this thing. I have always been the strong person in our family and have had to maintain a strong image. I am a police officer in Oregon and must maintain a strong attitude but I will be honset with you that I cry myself to sleep at night when I am weak and smile when I think about Boey’s smile and strong spirit. The people at my police dept do not know about my wife’s diagnosis and you are the first to know outside of my house. My son is also a police officer in the same police dept and he too is scared about what the future may bring. Again I would like to say thank you for sharing Boey with us through extreme makeover and for giving me the strength to face this battle we are about to take on. I would also like to purchase the yellow bracelets for every member of my police dept and hope that they may wear the bracelet with pride and hope. Please let me know where I can purchase the bracelets and god bless you.
H Cerda
McMinnville Oregon