JENESSA NICOLE “BOEY” BYERS

As I sit to write many emotions and memories are etched upon my heart and are coming in like waves as I type.
I recall this time 3 years ago. Boey had just gone through cancer treatments as a 6 years old. She was declared NED(No evidence of Disease)in January of 07 and she enjoyed the title of a conqueror for a few months. This was the week, however, that she developed an extreme pain in her spine and we brought her to the hospital just to check.

We were in no way prepared for the excruciating announcement that we were to receive. When the social worker and a favorite nurse as well as both of her doctors packed into the small room my heart sunk. When I heard the words, “its not good…the cancer is back” my heart broke.

When Boey was told that her victory was over and her cancer had returned her heart broke. She did not want to live. She threatened to “run her wheelchair down the stairs” to kill herself. She sreamed and yelled why?! Why?! why?! If I thought my heart was broken before now it was shattering in a million pieces.

Hours later I tried to reassure Boey that her feelings were completely understood. She was still a warrior and like David, after killing Goliath, and experiencing victory, Goliaths brother came to call and this famous warrior was scared. Rachel and I reassured Boey that she no longer had to be strong, that we knew her, we loved her and expected nothing from her. We knew she was strong before and this time we would be strong for her.

I saw my little girls life bleed out of her. I saw the pain from her heart stare through her eyes at me her Daddy. There wasn’t a damned thing I could do to nullify this pain. It was just like the startling feeling you get when the wind is knocked out of you, only in this case, you could not catch your breath and it did not go away. The sick painful feeling resided with us. It was dark. Boey didn’t speak to anyone and her expressions became lifeless. She was silent and she slept.

I could not sleep. I stayed up and I prayed for my baby. It was a few nights later as I was praying I recall the prompting of the Lord to pray and proclaim Isaiah 53:5 over her; “the chastisement that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” My girl was being tormented and I was trying to proclaim the concept I had learned about but desperately needed to be real in the life of my 7 and soon to be 8 year old girl.

The next morning Rachel and I were astounded when Boey hopped out of bed and started playing doctor with her Build-a-bear giraffe. She was giggling and reassuring him like she had done many times before. As we watched, tears filled our eyes. The change was dramatic.
We looked at the artwork that she had made. It was a picture of Jesus. He was winking at her and he was saying.”Boey you can do it”, “Wow she is a warrior”, and “I will take care of you.” From that moment on Boey was a faith-filled, happy life emanating-warrior and she amazed me every day. Even though she knew what she was up against she had joy all over her.
She was aquainted with the experience of overnight stays for chemo with the pain and the violent puking but now she was faced with 5 nights in a row. She had lost her pretty girl hair that she was so proud of and was facing the loss again. It was all starting over and it was much worse than before…at least 5 times worse. But we were soon to see that she was 50 times as strong.

I witnessed how her mothers and my love set her free. We deeply and lovingly supported her and had no expectations from her. It was the conduit which connected her to her Heavenly Fathers love that flowed from the inside of her. It flowed from deep inside her and it overflowed to her and it overflowed particularly to us, her family.

She blossomed into the most faith filled, confident and spunky person I have ever met. It was right before my eyes. God’s peace was flowing from her. Something very real and very good was happening.

We were released from the hospital on Friday and her birthday party was the next day. You would never know the beautiful smiling and happy little girl at her party had come from such a dark dark place. She knew what she was up against but she had confidence that her Jesus would take care of her and that confidence and joy was apparent.

I learned so much from her. I learned more about the Spirit of God from her than I ever learned in an academic bible college. I saw where true faith resides and where it is forged. I learned that it does not come from intellect; Boey would scarcely be able to read the words” chastisement that brought us peace”, but she lived it. She was in the middle of the biggest fight anyone ever has to go through; cancer. She knew exactly what that meant and what would be required. But she knew how to find her center, her spirit, her JESUS and to “BE STRONG.”

That example is what I am trying to emulate on this day; Boey’s Birthday. I hurt without my daughter. I miss her more than I can express. My intellect demands to know WHY?! . There is pain and fear.

But Boey showed me how to go to my Jesus. To listen for his words of how he is going to take care of me and my broken family in the middle of the pain and trial. She showed me how to authentically allow GODS spirit to flow into the dark areas of the soul even when outwardly such trauma was occuring. Joy and Peace is starting to flow from deep within once again. My daughter’s example has saved my life in many ways and today I celebrate the life that she lived and imparted to her family.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL. YOU AND WHAT YOU HAVE TAUGHT ME ARE THE BEST GIFTS ANYONE COULD EVER RECEIVE.

Boey loved CHRIS DAUGHTRY and then the band; Joey, J.P.(she called chickenbocker cuz when he played he looked like a chicken.) Josh, and Brian.  Their new album dropped today so I made a video of our memories…Check it out!!

Ok hold on to your hats!!! Are you sitting down…You better be to hear this story!

I got the MRI back and the report revealed that I have what is called a partial empty sella. What this means is that my pituitary is pushed down in the cavern in my head. We made an appointment to have the doctor explain what this means. He said that it is caused by either a birth defect or a tumor that “used to be there.” Knowing that I had a normal MRI 5 years ago we knew that it had to be a tumor!!!!  We asked how it disappears and the doctor responded, “for some unknown reason it necrotizes” I had to laugh when my beautiful wife was behind the doctor mouthing “I know why and pointing to GOD.”

                I received a miracle in the last 30 days. I met with my pastor and the man who facilitates the healing rooms and I asked them to pray about the pituitary situation. The presence of GOD was tangible when they prayed for me and I could tell God was doing something. At the time I specifically recall them cursing the tumor and commanding it to die and disappear. Interesting that is exactly what happened. 2 additional times in church when I went forward for prayer I have fealt the same annointing of Gods presence upon me and felt things in my body being worked on.

                I have many deep feelings concerning this. It is very interesting that the pituitary gland is just a few centimeters away from the first location of BOEY’s cancer! I have asked the questions of why me and why not BOEY? I have a couple thoughts that I will share.

                First thought is that I am not done with my mission here on earth. I am asking God for and believing for healing for others and to express and reveal how much Love God has for them. I want to have something to bring to heaven with me when I reunite with my BOEY and I am excited for whatever God is preparing my family for!

                Second thought is only part of a thought and I will say it is a very deep issue and that you will have to get the book I am writing for me to fully articulate it. It concerns what Jesus said in John 12:24 “I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.”   This will take a lot to fully explain but it would appear that this beautiful healing I have received is somewhat of a firstfruits of the seed that Boey sewed. May it be the first of many many many healings. Thank you Jesus. We love you.

I am in awe and happy and sad and excited and amazed…whats new.God is good

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;And He inclined to me,And heard my cry.2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,

 Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.

Wow! A horrible pit. I can relate…

Surviving this Christmas season as a family without our BOEY could be described as being in a pit. The above scripture came to me on Wednesday because I was scooted into a MRI machine that really felt like a pit from which I needed rescue.

Doctors say that I may have a pituitary tumor that is causing my medical problems.(to quickly summarize Yes it was very stressful after all we have been through to hear that I may have a tumor close to my brain just like my daughter did but we are either very strong or very jaded so we just make the decisions we must to keep going. If it is a tumor it would not be cancerous most likely anyways or I’d be dead by now)

As I went to the same building I brought Boey to many times my heart ached even more for her. As I told the technician about my daughter and my emotional struggle he compassionately replied that this may be good because I can experience what my daughter endured. He secured my head and slid me 4 feet into the MRI tube and instantly I completely freaked out!!! I felt trapped and extremely claustrophobic

My heart was racing and I was very scared. My thoughts went to my 8 year old daughter…I was once again amazed! Did she really do this countless times? Radiation with her head bolted to the table with machines buzzing? Did she really do this exact test with her painful tumor pressing on her head and bleeding into her brain? Without complaint? My admiration of her courage ballooned.

As well as admiration my thoughts were directed to how much Rachel and I comforted Bo during these times. It was a tremendous reassurance to know that I was able to be there for most every appointment and hospital stay and fearful moment and that I really did know how to comfort and love my baby during these times. If I never ever do anything right in this world again I know that I did that one thing right and it makes me tear up to know this.

I am virtual cornucopia of emotions. At that moment I was feeling extreme fear, extreme admiration, and extreme love and then the logic part of my brain kicked in to control the situation as it often does. I needed to be rational, not emotional , so I could accomplish the task at hand. Fear and love and admiration and memories all at the same time. They were all genuine and they were all valid but none of them could enable me to climb back into the pit!

I used my reasoning ability to reckon that if I totally couldn’t hack it and I freaked out agaun, I could wiggle out of the tube and onto the floor. This knowing enabled me to overcome the fear and go back in. This experience was pretty much a metaphor for the emotions that I am still dealing with in my life.

It looks very similar to the way King David dealt with his feelings in Psalm 22 Where he is in anguish and screaming to God “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He then poured out pain and his feelings of rejection until he says “YET… ( I can hear his logical mind engage right there); “Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.” Then He rattles off more of his emotional complaints but it is mixed with proclamations of Faith in the God that delivers.

So the Psalm plays out how David processed with GOD. It is one example of how one mans emotional anguish and his logic work together to hold on to the reality of a situation and faith in God’s ability to influence things.

The biggest thing that I am learning from GOD these days is that he does not try to deprogram our emotions and he does not invalidate what we feel. He does allow and sometimes even ask us to do things that we don’t want to do but as a loving Father he sticks close to us. He does not demand unquestioning obedience and he honors “being real”

I imagine that I look like a schizophrenic at times. I have never felt so close to GOD and so aware of his influence in my life; at the exact same time I have never felt so emotionally distant and abandoned by God. Does this make sense…not rationally, but it is precisely what is going on with me. It feels good because I feel like I am being taken care of by someone bigger than myself. It also feels uncomfortable because I am not the most powerful being in my world.

I can sense God going deeper, in a more real way that includes all the way I am feeling. I get angry at him sometimes. Especially in the area of finance where I am constantly stretched. I have the desire to share how I have failed to believe…People write and comment about how our Faith is inspiring and that is very comforting. But I want to be clear; I am not always a tower of strength and faith, for myself, or for my wife and family. And I guess that’s all ok, even though it does not feel ok.

God is building faith and trust in to me and my family block by block. I feel much like Job with my daughter gone, financial stress and medical problems. I am very much like Job at time. Especially the times he cursed the day of his birth and complains…but I know that God allows me to be real and understands.

My friend last night at church reminded me of my own blog on jan 19 called And What About GOD? click here to see

I told of how when Boey was in utter pain from a broken hip and I had to carry her she lashed out at me because she had not the language to express her pain and I, as her loving daddy took no offense but rather saw her security in my love for her; especially as I saw her fall back asleep whispering “I love you…I love you…I love you…” He reminded me that God is much more aware of me and loves me exactly where I am.

God can take it…and he wants all of our heart…including and especially these painful hurting parts. I include this for the people who read my blogs that are grieving. I want them to know that God has grace when you blow up at him and when your flesh tells you GOD is bad…He gets it and he loves you and has even more grace for at that time because you need it.

I am learning that I am a complicated person at times. I can have faith and doubt, love and anger, trust and fear at the same time. I also am learning that God understands and honors that and is teaching me to use my rational mind to make the decisions that I decide to make. I, of course, choose him. He is drawing close to me and its through the hard times that I am nudged closer to him.

God is bringing me up out of the horrible pit.

It helps that my OSU BEAVERS beat Pittsburg yesterday!! Get it :Pittsburg! Ok I know I am weird but I love my Beavs!

 

As I feast today and I look at this picture of my precious babygirl making cookies I am reminded that the Thanksgiving feast I am eating today is only a shadow of the feast that will come when we go to the marraige feast of the Bride of Christ in heaven. I know my little girl is helping to prepare it. We are so thankful that we know she is well.(as her little friend Bethy who also went to heaven said “Boeys doing ggggrreat now”) We are also thankful that God is still working on our lives and dreams and that we have some really great people around us that love us and all the blessings we have been given. Thank you everyone!!