JENESSA NICOLE “BOEY” BYERS

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;And He inclined to me,And heard my cry.2 He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,

 Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.

Wow! A horrible pit. I can relate…

Surviving this Christmas season as a family without our BOEY could be described as being in a pit. The above scripture came to me on Wednesday because I was scooted into a MRI machine that really felt like a pit from which I needed rescue.

Doctors say that I may have a pituitary tumor that is causing my medical problems.(to quickly summarize Yes it was very stressful after all we have been through to hear that I may have a tumor close to my brain just like my daughter did but we are either very strong or very jaded so we just make the decisions we must to keep going. If it is a tumor it would not be cancerous most likely anyways or I’d be dead by now)

As I went to the same building I brought Boey to many times my heart ached even more for her. As I told the technician about my daughter and my emotional struggle he compassionately replied that this may be good because I can experience what my daughter endured. He secured my head and slid me 4 feet into the MRI tube and instantly I completely freaked out!!! I felt trapped and extremely claustrophobic

My heart was racing and I was very scared. My thoughts went to my 8 year old daughter…I was once again amazed! Did she really do this countless times? Radiation with her head bolted to the table with machines buzzing? Did she really do this exact test with her painful tumor pressing on her head and bleeding into her brain? Without complaint? My admiration of her courage ballooned.

As well as admiration my thoughts were directed to how much Rachel and I comforted Bo during these times. It was a tremendous reassurance to know that I was able to be there for most every appointment and hospital stay and fearful moment and that I really did know how to comfort and love my baby during these times. If I never ever do anything right in this world again I know that I did that one thing right and it makes me tear up to know this.

I am virtual cornucopia of emotions. At that moment I was feeling extreme fear, extreme admiration, and extreme love and then the logic part of my brain kicked in to control the situation as it often does. I needed to be rational, not emotional , so I could accomplish the task at hand. Fear and love and admiration and memories all at the same time. They were all genuine and they were all valid but none of them could enable me to climb back into the pit!

I used my reasoning ability to reckon that if I totally couldn’t hack it and I freaked out agaun, I could wiggle out of the tube and onto the floor. This knowing enabled me to overcome the fear and go back in. This experience was pretty much a metaphor for the emotions that I am still dealing with in my life.

It looks very similar to the way King David dealt with his feelings in Psalm 22 Where he is in anguish and screaming to God “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He then poured out pain and his feelings of rejection until he says “YET… ( I can hear his logical mind engage right there); “Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.” Then He rattles off more of his emotional complaints but it is mixed with proclamations of Faith in the God that delivers.

So the Psalm plays out how David processed with GOD. It is one example of how one mans emotional anguish and his logic work together to hold on to the reality of a situation and faith in God’s ability to influence things.

The biggest thing that I am learning from GOD these days is that he does not try to deprogram our emotions and he does not invalidate what we feel. He does allow and sometimes even ask us to do things that we don’t want to do but as a loving Father he sticks close to us. He does not demand unquestioning obedience and he honors “being real”

I imagine that I look like a schizophrenic at times. I have never felt so close to GOD and so aware of his influence in my life; at the exact same time I have never felt so emotionally distant and abandoned by God. Does this make sense…not rationally, but it is precisely what is going on with me. It feels good because I feel like I am being taken care of by someone bigger than myself. It also feels uncomfortable because I am not the most powerful being in my world.

I can sense God going deeper, in a more real way that includes all the way I am feeling. I get angry at him sometimes. Especially in the area of finance where I am constantly stretched. I have the desire to share how I have failed to believe…People write and comment about how our Faith is inspiring and that is very comforting. But I want to be clear; I am not always a tower of strength and faith, for myself, or for my wife and family. And I guess that’s all ok, even though it does not feel ok.

God is building faith and trust in to me and my family block by block. I feel much like Job with my daughter gone, financial stress and medical problems. I am very much like Job at time. Especially the times he cursed the day of his birth and complains…but I know that God allows me to be real and understands.

My friend last night at church reminded me of my own blog on jan 19 called And What About GOD? click here to see

I told of how when Boey was in utter pain from a broken hip and I had to carry her she lashed out at me because she had not the language to express her pain and I, as her loving daddy took no offense but rather saw her security in my love for her; especially as I saw her fall back asleep whispering “I love you…I love you…I love you…” He reminded me that God is much more aware of me and loves me exactly where I am.

God can take it…and he wants all of our heart…including and especially these painful hurting parts. I include this for the people who read my blogs that are grieving. I want them to know that God has grace when you blow up at him and when your flesh tells you GOD is bad…He gets it and he loves you and has even more grace for at that time because you need it.

I am learning that I am a complicated person at times. I can have faith and doubt, love and anger, trust and fear at the same time. I also am learning that God understands and honors that and is teaching me to use my rational mind to make the decisions that I decide to make. I, of course, choose him. He is drawing close to me and its through the hard times that I am nudged closer to him.

God is bringing me up out of the horrible pit.

It helps that my OSU BEAVERS beat Pittsburg yesterday!! Get it :Pittsburg! Ok I know I am weird but I love my Beavs!

This entry was posted on Saturday, January 3rd, 2009 at 4:39 pm and is filed under Dads blog. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.