JENESSA NICOLE “BOEY” BYERS

 Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
3 He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will trust in the LORD.

Wow! A horrible pit. I can relate…

Surviving this Christmas season as a family without our BOEY could be described as being in a pit. The above scripture came to me on Wednesday because I was scooted into a MRI machine that really felt like a pit from which I needed rescue.

Doctors say that I may have a pituitary tumor that is causing my medical problems.(to quickly summarize Yes it was very stressful after all we have been through to hear that I may have a tumor close to my brain just like my daughter did but we are either very strong or very jaded so we just make the decisions we must to keep going. If it is a tumor it would not be cancerous most likely anyways or I’d be dead by now)

As I went to the same building I brought Boey to many times my heart ached even more for her. As I told the technician about my daughter and my emotional struggle he compassionately replied that this may be good because I can experience what my daughter endured. He secured my head and slid me 4 feet into the MRI tube and instantly I completely freaked out!!! I felt trapped and extremely claustrophobic

My heart was racing and I was very scared. My thoughts went to my 8 year old daughter…I was once again amazed! Did she really do this countless times? Radiation with her head bolted to the table with machines buzzing? Did she really do this exact test with her painful tumor pressing on her head and bleeding into her brain? Without complaint? My admiration of her courage ballooned.

As well as admiration my thoughts were directed to how much Rachel and I comforted Bo during these times. It was a tremendous reassurance to know that I was able to be there for most every appointment and hospital stay and fearful moment and that I really did know how to comfort and love my baby during these times. If I never ever do anything right in this world again I know that I did that one thing right and it makes me tear up to know this.

I am virtual cornucopia of emotions. At that moment I was feeling extreme fear, extreme admiration, and extreme love and then the logic part of my brain kicked in to control the situation as it often does. I needed to be rational, not emotional , so I could accomplish the task at hand. Fear and love and admiration and memories all at the same time. They were all genuine and they were all valid but none of them could enable me to climb back into the pit!

I used my reasoning ability to reckon that if I totally couldn’t hack it and I freaked out agaun, I could wiggle out of the tube and onto the floor. This knowing enabled me to overcome the fear and go back in. This experience was pretty much a metaphor for the emotions that I am still dealing with in my life.

It looks very similar to the way King David dealt with his feelings in Psalm 22 Where he is in anguish and screaming to God “my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He then poured out pain and his feelings of rejection until he says “YET… ( I can hear his logical mind engage right there); “Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the praise of Israel. In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them.” Then He rattles off more of his emotional complaints but it is mixed with proclamations of Faith in the God that delivers.

So the Psalm plays out how David processed with GOD. It is one example of how one mans emotional anguish and his logic work together to hold on to the reality of a situation and faith in God’s ability to influence things.

The biggest thing that I am learning from GOD these days is that he does not try to deprogram our emotions and he does not invalidate what we feel. He does allow and sometimes even ask us to do things that we don’t want to do but as a loving Father he sticks close to us. He does not demand unquestioning obedience and he honors “being real”

I imagine that I look like a schizophrenic at times. I have never felt so close to GOD and so aware of his influence in my life; at the exact same time I have never felt so emotionally distant and abandoned by God. Does this make sense…not rationally, but it is precisely what is going on with me. It feels good because I feel like I am being taken care of by someone bigger than myself. It also feels uncomfortable because I am not the most powerful being in my world.

I can sense God going deeper, in a more real way that includes all the way I am feeling. I get angry at him sometimes. Especially in the area of finance where I am constantly stretched. I have the desire to share how I have failed to believe…People write and comment about how our Faith is inspiring and that is very comforting. But I want to be clear; I am not always a tower of strength and faith, for myself, or for my wife and family. And I guess that’s all ok, even though it does not feel ok.

God is building faith and trust in to me and my family block by block. I feel much like Job with my daughter gone, financial stress and medical problems. I am very much like Job at time. Especially the times he cursed the day of his birth and complains…but I know that God allows me to be real and understands.

My friend last night at church reminded me of my own blog on jan 19 called And What About GOD? click here to see

I told of how when Boey was in utter pain from a broken hip and I had to carry her she lashed out at me because she had not the language to express her pain and I, as her loving daddy took no offense but rather saw her security in my love for her; especially as I saw her fall back asleep whispering “I love you…I love you…I love you…” He reminded me that God is much more aware of me and loves me exactly where I am.

God can take it…and he wants all of our heart…including and especially these painful hurting parts. I include this for the people who read my blogs that are grieving. I want them to know that God has grace when you blow up at him and when your flesh tells you GOD is bad…He gets it and he loves you and has even more grace for at that time because you need it.

I am learning that I am a complicated person at times. I can have faith and doubt, love and anger, trust and fear at the same time. I also am learning that God understands and honors that and is teaching me to use my rational mind to make the decisions that I decide to make. I, of course, choose him. He is drawing close to me and its through the hard times that I am nudged closer to him.

God is bringing me up out of the horrible pit.

It helps that my OSU BEAVERS beat Pittsburg yesterday!! Get it :Pittsburg! Ok I know I am weird but I love my Beavs!

 I pray everyone had a beautifully blessed Christmas as we celebrate the birth of our savior Jesus Christ. Me and my three boys had a very low key Christmas full of tears and laughter as we remembered our beautiful Boey. It wasn’t much of a Christmas without Boey’s infectious radiant spirit and laughter filling the house, but we still managed to get through the day. Boey would’ve been very proud of her mommy.

 I made the boys an incredibly delicious Christmas meal and listened to worship music the entire day.  Jesus carried us through and there were many times we could feel Boey’s presence, we knew she was close. It was a blessing to have our hearts focused on the most awesome gift of all, eternal life.  Celebrating the true meaning of Christmas and what eternal life means to us was the best Christmas present any of us could ever have received.

 This Christmas all of us were even more grateful than ever for the gift of eternal life knowing the blessed hope of being with our precious Boey again. Just knowing she is more of our future eternity than our past is so comforting through the heart wrenching pain of not having her right here with us.

Praise God that in Christ there are no goodbye’s and this is only our temporary dwelling. We are all  detached from this world and the things of this world. Our hearts are in heaven with Jesus and Boey. They are what we live for now and forever until we are home in heaven.

 When Boey went to heaven she took my heart and a huge part of who I am with her. I was born to be her mommy and I thank God that I always will be and nothing will ever take that away from me. We will be together again and nothing will ever take my baby girl away from me. My mothers heart longs for my daughter. God made us as eternal beings that live forever, death was never a part of God’s plan. Praise God that before the foundations of the world he set a plan of redemption in place through his son Jesus so we could be with him for eternity in heaven.

 I know that I would never ever be able to survive without my faith and love for Jesus. I am just so grateful for who God is and how much he loves us.

It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since I’ve held my beautiful Boey, talked to her, heard her adorable laugh that shakes the heavens, had mommy and special shopping Boey time(Boey never had enough shoes, she was a shoeaholic lol), baked cookies and cakes for the nurses, acted silly together and laughed until we peed our pants, shared make up, sharing makeovers together, jumped on the trampoline so high she would go flinging up in the air and the entire neighborhood could hear her laughing, prayed and worshipped the Lord together, dress up Tia in her build a bear outfits, stuff Bella in her bed, watching her take out her brothers with wrestling, singing karaoke with Chris and Joe and always singing over them lol,  talking with excitement about helping her friends in Uganda and holding the babies there and praying for them, looking into her daddys eyes and saying “look at me daddy, look at me, are you looking at me?? I LOVE YOU!!”, hearing her call her daddy “my special muscle man daddy”, laughing hysterically as she went up to people that were smoking and would say “hey! Do you see this bald head?” They’d instantly put their cigarette down and she’s help them stomp on it LOL, sewing pillows for her warrior friends in the hospital, being the cutest CEO ever and writing down her goals and dreams for the foundation, hearing her adorable voice say “mommy can you buy me a lipstick? I wont pick out a dark one mommy I promise. Oh mommy, look at these cute nails can I have these too?”It was always a tradition whenever we went to the store she’d always ask for those two things and we’d just look at eachother and start cracking up. She knew I couldn’t say no whenever she flashed me her adorable signature boey smile.

 My all time favorite memories are the ones where we were together just holding eachother and I had full access to her sweet soft beautiful precious cheeks. I could never get enough of those awesome Boey cheeks! They were sooooo kissable. She’d start laughing as I’d tickle her with my kisses..then we’d both start cracking up and try to outkiss eachother. The best arguments I ever had in my entire life were the ones where Boey and I are argued about who loved eachother more. And as always we’d end up in a kissing war and laughing our butts off. I am so lost without my best friend, my hero, my perfect princess warrior, and at the same time so grateful that God gave me my Boey to experience true heavenly love here on earth.

We were and always will be best friends that share a very deep and special connection. We could just look at each other and know what the other was thinking..most of the time we’d just blurt out what we thought the other was thinking and start laughing hysterically. It was especially funny when she’d get kind of sassy and I’d make her laugh no matter how hard she tried to keep a serious face. She was always so much fun, pure joy, laughter, non stop excitement and pure heaven on earth.

I thank God every day that he chose me and Rob to be her parents. If I don’t do anything else in my life, I will always be perfectly content knowing the eight and a half years of pure heavenly joy I experienced through my daughters love. I thank God every day that he chose me to be her mother. All good and perfect gifts come from our father in heaven and Boey was my perfect gift. She unlocked places in my heart I never knew existed and brought me closer to Jesus than I ever dreamed possible. She showed me what true unconditional agape love is.

For the two years fighting for my precious daughter’s life I lived out the true meaning of perfect love casting out all fear. Boey showed all of us that no matter what your circumstances are, it can’t take away our joy, our love for others and most importantly our faith in Christ. What a blessing to have a child with the faith to heal a nation and a heart of pure heavenly gold. She was a pure innocent perfect precious vessel the Lord chose to glorify his name. I know with all my heart and soul that my daughter is beaming while looking into the eyes of her savior and saying “all the pain was worth it Jesus, look at how my story and my faith in you has brought people to your Kingdom, it was all worth it Jesus”.

Boey has changed our life forever. We are all transformed by her agape love, faith in Jesus Christ our savior and the way she chose to live her life despite her ongoing suffering. Boey’s light will always shine bright. She has changed the world forever. She believed the CCCA Bill would be signed despite the odds and fought for it even while she suffered from a recurrence. She believed and knew in her heart that the bill would be signed by the president allocating 150 million dollars in funds towards pediatric cancer research and a cure. On July 29th, President Bush signed the CCCA Act into law. We are so proud of our daughter for writing to her senator and asking him to sign the bill.  Once he signed it and spoke about Boey on the senate floor, it caused a snowball effect and senators from all over the nation signed on to the bill. To say we are proud is an understatement.

The Lord is continuing to amaze us with the way he is using her story to bring others close to him. Extreme Makeover Home Edition continues to air our show all over the world and every week her guestbook is bombarded with messages of how her faith courage and love for the Lord has brought them back to God. All glory to you Lord! The show airs everywhere from Norway, the UK, Belgium, Sweden, Canada, Brazil, Iraq(soldiers write the most heart wrenching beautiful letters saying Boey is their hero..incredible), Germany, Netherlands and of course here in the US. God is using her story in the most powerful ways and it’s very healing and comforting to us knowing that our daughter’s story continues to be told and always will be until we are reunited with her in heaven.

We are so grateful for all the Lord has revealed to us during the last year of intense and unbearable pain. When we draw close to him he draws close to us. Even when it feels like we are suffocating in pain, we know he is right here with us mending our broken hearts and using our pain to make us more like his son. We are so grateful for the healing dreams, visions, him speaking to us, our boys on fire for the Lord, and him drawing us deep into his heart during this time. God is continuing to write The Believe The Boey Byers Story, we can’t wait to finally get the entire story out!! The blogs that Rob and I write don’t even begin to touch all the Lord has said and done in our lives. It’s an honor to write a book on our daughter, who she is and all she went through. We plan on including our experience with EMHE, Chris Daughtry her rock star friend who gave her so much encouragement and love, her biggest dreams and passions for the foundation, her intense love and faith for the Lord despite the horrible pain she was in especially at the end with a broken spine, hip and brain surgeryL, and so much more. It’ll be quite a novel and we are honored that we are able to write it in honor of our beautiful and brave princess warrior.

We thank God for all of the amazing people he has brought into our lives. We cherish all of you and can never thank you enough for all the words of encouragement, support, prayers, love, ornaments sent for Boey’s perfect pink tree, and the thoughtful letters sent to the boys. As we move into a New Year, I pray God’s blessings on each and every one of you. I pray that your walk with the Lord will draw you closer to him than ever before and you will experience him in ways you never dreamed of.  We are excited to see all that God is going to do through the foundation and how he is going to use our family to minister to other families experiencing the nightmare of cancer. We can’t wait to see how God is going to use our boys gifts to advance Gods Kingdom here on earth and bless others. This has been an extremely surreal painful and heartwrenching year, we are looking forward to being a part of God using all we’ve been through for his glory. We look forward to the joy, restoration, peace and joy that only God can bring to our broken hearts.

I would love to hear how Boey’s love and faith has changed your life. Please include what specific changes you are making for 2009 and what part you’d like to play in the Believe For Boey Foundation and making all of Boey’s dreams come true. Please leave a comment on this blog, I am putting together a beautiful scrapbook in her honor and I would love to include your beautiful messages.

Please light a candle tonight as we remember our warrior princess and her entrance into heaven. If you’d like to take pictures of the candle we would love to have that for her scrapbook. We will be staying up crying and remembering our precious angel baby until 12:14 a.m, the exact second Jesus carried her home to heaven. Just like Boey said in her you tube video, I WON CANCER I WON!! You sure did baby girl, cancer never touched your spirit and you never stopped believing or fighting…all the way up until your very last heartbeat. You are our hero sweetheart, always and forever.

May God bless you and your families richly in 2009

Have a safe and blessed New Year,

In Christ,

Rachel

As I feast today and I look at this picture of my precious babygirl making cookies I am reminded that the Thanksgiving feast I am eating today is only a shadow of the feast that will come when we go to the marraige feast of the Bride of Christ in heaven. I know my little girl is helping to prepare it. We are so thankful that we know she is well.(as her little friend Bethy who also went to heaven said “Boeys doing ggggrreat now”) We are also thankful that God is still working on our lives and dreams and that we have some really great people around us that love us and all the blessings we have been given. Thank you everyone!!

  I hear all the time when I see people I haven’t in awhile, “We have been worried about you.” I appreciate the care they are conveying. We have been functioning but with Thanksgiving, Christmas and Boeys 1 yr anniversary coming up our hearts and our pain have been stirring.

In our town the Pepsi bottling plant puts up a large Christmas display. This year when I saw it being put up it was different from other years; this year my heart sank. I remembered years past when we would drive through it on Thanksgiving night and every time we passed it on the way home. The kids loved to do it together. Last year my son Chris was asked to do a couple new characters based on the pictures he did on the Extreme Makeover show! They are wonderful memories; but now some of the best memories are the hardest ones to recall.

It reminds me of the Christmas story itself. Everyone loves to picture the baby Jesus wrapped in swaddling clothes and placed in a manger.(Funny how we have even romanticized the scene to be a good thing; have you actually smelled a manger? Not exactly the place I would want a newborn baby to be .) The picture of the Nativity with the singing angels, wise men and the proud couple with the birth of the Savior is powerful and beautiful. But on the other side of that coin is the rest of the story.

Herod sent the wise men on a trip to find this child because of the sign in the sky and the prophetic words about this shepherd-king that was born. He intended to kill this rival before he was able to grow up. When the wise men were warned in a dream to not go back to tell Herod it says in Mathew 2 :16  “Herod, when he realized that the scholars had tricked him, flew into a rage. He commanded the murder of every little boy two years old and under who lived in Bethlehem and its surrounding hills. That’s when Jeremiah’s sermon was fulfilled:

“A sound was heard in Ramah,

                Weeping and much lament.

Rachel weeping for her children,

                Rachel refusing all solace,

Her children gone,

                Dead and buried”

So in the midst of the tidings of great joy there were many thousands of families that had horrible horrible grief. Can you even imagine? A soldier of the king coming to your house, drawing his sword and killing your baby right before you? Unannounced, unplanned, uncomprehensible grief at the outrage! The unfairness! I can relate.

I wish the story of Christmas ended at the end of chapter 1 of Mathew with the beautiful birth of Jesus but it does not. Some people would come and worship and bring gifts to the baby Jesus because they understand the prophetic and what his appearance means. Others, like Herod, would just like Jesus, and his claim of leadership to just go away. They don’t want to be threatened with anyone to have control over them. They don’t understand the love and hope he offers, only that he wants influence and they don’t like it. In real life it was so dramatic that it played out that he tried to kill him and actually killed the hopes and dreams of many mothers in Bethlehem and surrounding areas!

Jesus himself said “blessed is he who is not offended on account of me.” He knew that things would not always be as expected. He knew the plan of his father. He knew that God often offends the mind to get to the heart. He knew that in this world we would have suffering sometimes great suffering. He also knew that man simplifies faith and God into formulas and boxes. If you believe in God you will always be blessed right? Nope. That’s not always the way it goes. It offends the mind, doesn’t make sense.

So here my family is at Christmas time. We are in a very strange place. We have sadness and hope. It doesn’t all make sense. Our sadness is obvious and understandable. Our hope is a very strange phenomenon to us. We are very very full of hope and even an expectancy of joy. It does not cancel out the pain or the grief but it is just as real. As I describe it now I am finding it difficult to explain. I could explain it as a looking forward to heaven and being with Boey again but it is a more resident hope. A spiritual and deep nourishment that resides deep in our hearts. It is exciting and good.

I am probably having a hard time explaining what is going on because it is spiritual rather than mental or emotional. Just understand that we are becoming more aware of God’s presence than ever. We are getting hope and joy; the paradox is that we are missing Boey more than ever during this Holiday season than ever before.  I would really like to do a better job of describing this especially for the book that I am writing but I touched on it. So there it is Grief and hope, Pain and excitement. I guess that is Christmas for us this year, as it was in the beginning.

Thank you everyone for the love and support. Love your families and appreciate them this holiday season. I am going to go spray some holiday scent in the air: I believe it is “manger scent” for the holidays.