LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE OFTEN MAKES YOU FEEL VERY ALONE BUT YOU’RE NOT ALONE, THERE IS HELP.
Grief is a grueling, debilatating, and often paralyzing emotional process. Please know how much God loves you and is right there carrying you in your pain. Our chldren’s pediatrician called us the day after Boey went to heaven and warned us out of love that she knew parents who after 5 years would not come out of there house after losing their child. She said losing a child is the most traumatic life altering event a human being could ever experience. She was trying to warn us that our intense agony would be normal, to not be scared of our feelings. It’s un natural to bury your child, it’s not the way God intended it to be. Rob and I feel like our hearts have been ripped out and buried with Boey in her little pink coffin:( Our doctor offered all her prayers, love and support. Just her reaching out meant everything to us. She has been sent by God to care for our children, she is a blessing and we love her very much.
Please be gentle with yourself. Remember that God truly is the only one that can carry you through this. It’s an intense inner healing work that only our Father in Heaven can do. He lost his one and only son for three days and understands our intense agony.
He also sends the right people to be there for you during your time of grieving and that is so important in your healing process. NEVER take on the burden of family and friends not understanding or having exscuses for not being there for you. There is plenty of help out there for them to understand how to help you during this time. If they really care and love you they will do whatever it takes to be there for you in the way you need them to be.
Often people honestly don’t know what to say or do sometimes. There is an overwhelming amount of help out there and if they really love you they will make sure to utilize the resources out there so they know how to be there for you during your time of intense grieving.
You need to take care of yourself and your family and focus on getting through the day, not wasting your energy on defending yourself to people who judge or don’t have the capacity to understand what you are going through. Your true friends will do whatever it takes to be there for you never expecting for you to understand why they didn’t or won’t reach out. We are human beings, created to love God and others. God created us to be lifted up in love and prayers by others during our time of grieving. Find safety in the cleft of God’s rock. He wil never forsake you or leave you. He knows what you need and will always provide for you. He loves you with the most awesome perfected love, he is always there for you.
A sincere heartfelt thank you and boey hugs to all of you who have been there for us during our time of grieving. We are so blessed by the outpouring of your love, prayers and support. We cherish each and every one of you. We wouldn’t be able to do this without you. We are eternally grateful.
God Bless all of you The Byers
Hebrews 13:5-6 “Let your conduct be without covetousness, and be content with such things that you have, for he has said, ‘I will never leave you, nor forsake you,’ so that we may boldly say, ‘The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do to me.
‘” (emphasis mine)
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness”. Therefore will I boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
I Corinthians 12:9-10
This is a very helpful article below. This link is a support group for grieving parents.
The website is http://www. angelfire. com/mt2/grieving/index. html
Things that help
Get a wonderful support group around you. This is the one and most important time that you will need ONLY people who will support you. They don’t need to talk, just listen mostly. They may be needed in the middle of the night. If there is people around you that supports you, then you will be able to heal better.
TALK ! TALK ! TALK ! I have always said, the day I don’t mention Josh is the day everyone better worry about me. There are days it is hard, but, to mention is name and tell stories about him does me better than anything. To not talk, is holding grief in. This is not healthy.
Find someone who will listen, even if it is only on the computer, then so be it. I have found some of the most supportive people here on this little white box, I may not know what they look like, but these people know my pain, and we can share that.
Cry. I know some of you will say Oh yeah, I do that already, but you know I have come across people who do not cry. I have children who do not like to see me cry, but I will still cry some in front of them. They need to know that crying is normal, and it is a crucial part of the loss. If I feel a big boo-hooing cry coming on, then I do not do this in front of them. I wait until I can be alone.
Keeping a journal was a life safer for me in the beginning. I know that I was so pent up with all of the feelings and emotions, I didn’t have a clue how to get rid of this, so one night I sat down and wrote it down. I wrote for 2 hrs and cried and wrote. I felt so much better, I finally felt that all that crap I was building up was lifted. So this became my outlet. Every time I felt I was too consumed with all of it (which in the beginning was about everyday) I wrote. Some of the days were terrible, and if someone had of read those they were have had concern, but after each time I always felt better. Plus I could go back and read my progress in healing. I could go back and read some of the fears that I had in the beginning that maybe 3 months down the road I didn’t have anymore. This was a great healing tool for me.
I saw a Psycologist in the beginning. I saw her for a year and this was a big help for me. I could tell this woman anything, and she would not judge me, or make me feel like I was O.K. when I knew I wasn’t. She would tell me it was o.k. to feel the way I was feeling. The one thing about this kind of help though, is that you may not find this connection which the first one, I didn’t. I walked out of the 1st Dr. I saw. He and I did not click and I knew it instantly. So you may have to see a few.
We joined a support group also. This group is actually set up for Grieving Children, but it was a huge help for the adults too. I know that this isn’t available in every state, but look to see if there is something like this for your surviving children. Each group was set up specifically for each reason of dying, so our children was just with other children whom had lost a parent or sibling by suicide. We just finished our 2nd yr session, and I want to return again next year.
Suggestion for a holiday time
This was given to us at Christmas by the support group I was speaking of earlier.
Holiday Candle Ritual
This ritual is designed to remember a loved one at holiday times, or at any time of the year. It may be personalized or changed to suit your family.
To begin, place 5 candles in a circle (perhaps around a wreath, or a birthday cake,etc) and as you light each candle read aloud these statements:
As we light these five candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories, and one for our love, and one for our hope.
1. This candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our feelings for you.
2. This candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow, to comfort each other, to change our lives.
3. This candle represents our memories. The times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the funny things you did, and the caring and joy you gave us.
4. This candle represents our love. Each day we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We thank you for the gift your living brought to each of us.
5. This candle is the light of hope. It reminds us that the love and memories of you are ours forever. May the glow of this flame be our source of hope now and forever.
These are things that I have hated to hear !
How many children do you have?..
How do you go on?..
Why?..
At least you have other children..
You are young, you can have more..
He must have been ill..
It was just a baby..
Well at least you don’t have to go thru the teenage years..
When are you going to get over this…
Don’t Tell Me
Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don’t tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don’t tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can’t stop,
Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I’ll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don’t hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
* Please don’t wait for me to call you.
It is hard to reach
out to others when I feel so vulnerable.
If you want to
‘be there’ for me then take the initiative to call to visit me.
* Please don’t say you know how I feel–let me tell you.
Let
me talk about the one who has died.
I may need to re-tell
the story many times.
* Please realize that I may be more sensitive than usual,
especially regarding the subject of death..It is unrealistic to expect that I will
be ‘better’ in a few weeks or months.
It may take years
to deal with all of the feelings, questions, memories, etc.
Even if I do cry, that’s okay.
Tears are healing and healthy. I can handle them if you can.
* Realize that holidays and birthdays and the anniversary
of the childs death are difficult.
It helps when you let me know you are
thinking of my family and me at these times.
* Please understand that the anger, depression, frustration,
questions and thoughts I am dealing with are normal
reaction to the loss I have experienced.
* It helps when you mention our daughter’s name.
It makes her
seem closer and reminds us that others think of her
and miss her also.
* It helps when you let me know you care about me with a phone
call, a letter, or a hug.
http://www. pfwbs. org/parents. html
Judi Walker
Copyright 98
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! GOD LOVES YOU!! HE IS RIGHT THERE WAITING FOR YOU WITH OPEN ARMS:).
On Dec 28th 2007, our beautiful radiant warrior princess went home to be with her King. Boey heard the words "well done my good and faithful servant" while he placed all the glorious heavenly crowns of life, righteousness, glory, rejoicing and incorruptible rewards on top of her beautiful head. Boey fought the good fight of faith until the very end and cancer NEVER took her radiant exuberant Christ loving spirit. Christ's love radiated through her and all she did. We pray that the extraordinary way she chose to live and believe will be an open invitation to living your life for Jesus and his Kingdom.
2 Timothy 4:7. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.
